Monday, February 29, 2016

Battling Eyelids and Stories.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Monday, February 29, 2016 0 comments Links to this post


Sleepless night.
Restless morning.

I have been told that we must pick our battles wisely. Although I'd like to call myself a strong advocate of it, I find some battles too enticing to not succumb to them. But I won't blame myself for the temptations, of course, because life (pause for a dramatic effect)....is obtrusively mean. It throws oodles of curve balls at you hoping you'd catch them. It says the ball is in your court not knowing that I want to tame all that comes my way. So when this curve ball of something too good to be true made its way towards me, I ran for shelter instead of taking a leap of faith.


I mean, what a shame! For all the tall promises I make and the advice I give away ever so freely, I am bad at taking my own advice. But then, we must pick our battles wisely, shouldn't we? And the certain unsettling calm that embraces you before the battle? Pick that also wisely, man. Only if you want to.


Avoid the calm. Avoid the battle.
End of the story.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Dressmaker.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, February 25, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

It's been quite long since I've had the opportunity to watch a movie at peace without just scanning through the interesting parts of it. There was a phase in my life when I wouldn't go to sleep without watching a movie every night. I am glad the lack of such days has made me appreciate cinema more than ever.

I happened to watch 'Dressmaker' today and while I thought Liam Hemsworth, the blue-eyed boy, was dreamy even in such a short (and maybe an underrated) role, it was Kate Winslet who took the cake for being so enchanting. It looked like she breathed into the character with all her grace, beauty and everything nice.

Well, it's almost midnight and this movie has made me go all teary eyed. It's always amazing when you see something where the characters, despite being subjected to pain and loss, absolutely resurrect themselves and create something beautiful with their lives. I wouldn't call this a brilliant movie, but bits and pieces of it have surely left me in tears. And oh, not to forget, a sleepless night with countless thoughts to call mine. For ages now, I've been meaning to read Dressmaker by Rosalie Ham and after watching the movie, I cannot wait to read it.

On that note, I'll leave you with a simple line from the movie that I loved, and it should remind us to keep doing things even when we think the whole world is against us.

"You can create. You can transform people. That's very powerful."


Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Choice.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Tuesday, February 23, 2016 3 comments Links to this post

Love knocks at your door when you least expect it. When love comes into your life, you'll hear music, you'll feel a gust of the wind all around you. Love enters your life just when you are busy making other plans. It comes when it's ready for you. It comes only when you stop looking for it.

Big fat sickening lies.

The myths of love are the kind of ridiculous fables that we have been fed ever since we were born. Love does not come looking for you. It just does not. Love might be serendipity, but it's not written in your destiny. Falling in love with someone is a choice you make. Love is a living, breathing invitation for you to pick your battles and fight for the person you choose every waking hour of your life. Even when the chips are falling. Just the way you fight for your family every day.

The funny part about love is that everyone wants to experience its grandiosity but no one understands the process that it comes along with. No, it doesn't just come along with music and pleasant breeze, it comes along with thorns and darkness. It comes with insanity and madness. But it's definitely not coming knocking at your door because, like life, even love comes with choices.

You'll find a lot of choices. You'll find idiots who give you leftover parts of them in the name of love, idiots who'll give you all their words that never match their actions. That's not love, duh. And that easily comes knocking at your door, which you don't need. Love comes in the form of a boy who makes you look forward to your Monday mornings. He doesn't give you flutters or butterflies, he only makes you feel like a warm fuzzy ball. It comes in the form of a boy who makes a fool out of himself to make you laugh when you're in tears. He'll call you beautiful even when you are crying and he'll be happy to just co-exist with you. Love comes in the form of a boy who notices you with a little or no effort even when you are invisible.

Sure you don't have to move mountains for finding such 'love' because all you need to do is make that choice. To fall in love.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

It's a Roller Coaster Ride.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, February 18, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

This world is a strange place. In this strangely beautiful world, people need people. But sometimes, people also cannot co-exist with people. Our mind functions in a mysterious manner when it comes to people. When we are looking to buy a mobile phone, we buy them without a second thought. The numbers on its price tag do not matter. I, for instance, have always been amazing at trusting things over people. It has become so seamless that I've slowly settled into that pattern - of never understanding people but investing my emotions and effort on things.

What do people think? What are their emotions? What is that specific person feeling right now? What's on your mind? What's not on your mind? With a 100 million thoughts lurking in your head every time you think about a few people, it just feels like a never ending trip on a roller coaster. The ones who are cautious to get on it are equally scared as the ones who are at a distant, observing the flows of the roller coaster.

With so many apprehensions in your mind, you might as well get on the roller coaster. Maybe you'll enjoy the trip if you get on it. People and their emotions too are just like this. Like a roller coaster that has its horrid turns and remarkable highs. But you'll never be the one to know if you are standing at a distance while staring and questioning the depth.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Of Mundane Things and Changes.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, February 17, 2016 1 comments Links to this post

Often we have days in our lives when we are overwhelmed with infinite emotions and think so much is happening. On days like this, time seems to run. Right now, though I am surrounded by myriad thoughts and emotions, but it looks like time is moving slowly, strangely walking beside me and moving at the pace of a snail. I've read three books this week. I've written like a mad person. I have met friends, and I have managed to find some time for watching a movie too. I'm telling you, time doesn't seem to rush or push.


On the 16th, I've completed a year at my workplace. As work anniversary isn't really a thing, no one wished me. No one got me a red velvet cupcake with buttercream frosting. And even when I sulked about it, my friends only pulled my leg. A year ago, these people were absolute strangers. I mean, you know, what I mean? Now, I exercise the liberty to cry, fight and narrate even the most rudimentary bits and pieces of my life to them. I still find it unbelievable that so much has changed in a year.


Something that hasn't changed much is how well I manage to sprain my leg time and again. I might have spent the evening of my work anniversary over lattes at a beautiful coffee shop, but the sprain in my leg reminded me that there are very few things in life that never change. Like coffee, meaningful conversations, great friends, and good music. They all come with their vices and pleasures.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

You Do Not Know Me.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, February 14, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

You do not know me. You think you do.
Between the tall glasses of milkshakes and cups of coffee,
You think you've figured out the whisper behind my smile.
As you look into my eyes and I into yours,
You think you know the story behind my brown eyes.

You do not know me. You only think you do.
Our laughter beyond the sound of music,
Between your rolling secrets and my hidden candor,
You think you've read me like a book that never
belonged to you.
But you do not know me. You only think you do.

My ideas, my ideals.
My stories, my grief.
My tears, my promises.
My darkness, my pleasures.
You think you know it all like your ecstasy.
You think you've touched every layer of my soul.
But you haven’t.

For you, I am always a mystery.
One that never unfurls for you.
For you, I am always a mystery.

SUNDAY SUNDAZE.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, February 14, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

When I was a teenager, I terribly wanted to be treated like a grown-up. When I was fifteen, I wanted grown-ups to appreciate me for the kind of books I read instead of treating me like a kid. When I was sixteen, I wanted them to ask me for music suggestions than treat me like a clueless teenager. And when I was seventeen, I could not wait for my eighteenth birthday. To be eligible to vote and to be officially entitled to do all that I ever wanted. When I turned eighteen, I would shove it in everyone's faces that I was an adult. Every time, I had an argument with my parents, I would strictly tell them that I was eighteen and that they cannot talk to me in an indifferent tone.


Clearly, I could not wait to grow up. Clearly, I did not realize being an adult would be only about buying brilliant pairs of clothes and shoes while trading the little joys of life. Clearly, I was quite signing myself up for a grand disappointment.


At 24, I am doing things that I should have done as a teenager. I read Young Adult fiction and enjoy it. I watch sappy teenage drama and sitcoms of the like. I mean, being an adult might not be as bad as it sounds, but being 17 was a lot merrier. At 17, you are spoilt for choices in myriad ways. Something that being an adult doesn't offer you on a silver platter, and the worst part is you want to behave like you are still seventeen. Reckless, with no responsibilities and lead a life where you don't have to think twenty times before you act.


On the contrary, I was rather organized as a teenager. I was one of those geeks who finished college assignments on time and did things with a conviction that 24-year-old Sunaina hasn't mustered yet. I had all these amazing plans that I would wear only black and white formals to work as an adult but I wear Spongebob and Batman merchandise often. What's worse? I hated Taylor Swift as a teenager, but these days, I listen to her more often than I should.


I could go on and on with this list, and there will be no end because what the hell, I am Benjamin Button-ing!


Wow.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

What Are Your Fears?

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, February 11, 2016 2 comments Links to this post

What are your fears? What terrifies you? No, I am not talking about spiders or crocodiles, dark streets or heights. I am referring to the patterns of fears that keep you awake till the wee hours of nights.


Do you have insecurities?
Because I have tons of them.
Copious amounts of them.


On a regular day, what are your fears and insecurities? Let me tell you mine.


The alarm on my phone goes berserk at 6 AM reminding me that it's time to do something productive and that I need the discipline to achieve things that seem too far-fetched. But on most days, I snooze it. Later, on feeling guilty, I wake up groggily at 6:30 AM only to end up staying in bed till 7:30 swiftly going through Twitter, Gmail, Facebook...basically everything social media. And Instagram. How can I forget Instagram? I live like my existence depended on it. Every morning, I look at so many beautiful pictures taken across the world on the screen of my phone.


I look at the pictures of Paris and keep troubling my mind if I would ever see the place or not.


I look at the perfect pictures of women with clear skin and sometimes, I don't feel very thrilled about the acne on my face.


I look at the pictures of couples holding their hands and staring into the sunset and feel a throbbing pain wondering if someone would ever love me that way. I look at those pictures and hope someone would not wake up one morning and stop loving me as if it was once a petty hobby.


I look at more pictures, assuming, always assuming that their lives are so much fancier than mine.


As I while away my time till 7:30 AM on Instagram, I realize my day is just beginning. I drag myself out of the bed to get ready for the job I love doing, the only thing I probably look forward to on weekdays.


Yet another thought of insecurity creeps in. What if one day I fail to put words on paper? What if I turn into a person with no passion?


During lunch, I am constantly worried about the amount of food I am eating, counting every crumb I eat and eat just one slice of pizza even when I crave more. I mean, the nature of my body is prone to put on weight. Like everyone else's.


Oftentimes I have a feeling of trepidation that I am missing out on life. That I am hurting my friends or attracting idiots. In both the cases, I end up in tears. I'm perpetually afraid of getting hurt.


It doesn't end right here, because, on my way home from work, I curse myself for not reading enough. For not doing more. For consuming lots of coffee. For being selfish. For not being a part of the important events in my friends' lives. For not picking calls. For ignoring messages and emails. For taking impulsive decisions. For being fragile. For being just me.


Yet my Instagram profile states otherwise. Like I have no fears or insecurities.


But I have tons of them.
Copious amounts of them.


Sunday, February 07, 2016

Not Your Regular Trainwreck.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, February 07, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

In this incredibly small life, we meet different people. Some great, some not so great. And some incarnations of Satan. Our life offers us all kinds of people, which is brilliant, because who doesn't like a bit of variety?


Unfortunately, we do not get to choose the kind of people who walk into our life. However, we are all fortunate to choose the ones we want to leave behind. We are in luck with that area of our life.


Where am I going with this? Well, let me just begin.


I am a 24-year-old writer. I have a good job. I have amazing friends. I like to be in control of my life and generally, I am. But, I could be a trainwreck too. What can I say? I have my horrid 'Can-I-Vanish-From-The-Face-Of-Earth' days too. And what else can you expect from a regular 24-year-old who is still trying to figure out what she wants from life? What can you expect from a 24-year-old who still has a little girl trapped somewhere inside her?


Before I digress any further, let me tell you more. I have opinions. Strong ones, weak ones, false ones, lame ones. I am unapologetic about expressing them. If you are a woman and you have an opinion that you're willing to put out in the open, I am hundred percent certain that you'll have haters, people who pit against you, and often to your surprise, people from your close quarters -- people who you think are your friends. It is sad that a few try to snatch your free will. It doesn't matter, of course. You'll still find hundreds of people (sometimes strangers) who say nice things to you, encouraging you to keep doing all that you do. To be all that you dream to be. Like I already said, we meet different people.


On an average day, when I deeply concern my mind with such mundane thoughts, I came across this quote by Amy Schumer. Amy Schumer is one hell of a woman and she is totally loved for speaking her mind out. It made me pick my pen and write this.


I could be clumsy, awkward, and like any normal person, I am bound to fail. I am not effortlessly at ease with a lot of things in my life and I could be a highly impulsive person. But I do realize and understand that I cannot become someone like Sheryl Sandberg overnight. It takes an effort to be like that and quite surely even she had to work hard to be that person. For most of us who expect to become things overnight or people who pass disdainful remarks at us do not practically realize that great things take a great deal of time. And you don't become great in a snap. You need to go through rejection, pain, failures, duh. But listen, no one decides to call you a trainwreck or bring down your self-worth.


Because you are your own story and you are not a regular trainwreck.

Saturday, February 06, 2016

Problems.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Saturday, February 06, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

There are problems. There are problems everywhere. There are days when I wonder where do all these problems come from? Who creates them? Who solves them? Obviously, no one really knows.

If you are thinking what sort of problems a 24-year-old woman (or mostly, girl) could have, I could list out a couple of them, but most of them are created in my head. I overthink and overanalyze. I break down a rather rudimentary thing into millions of bits and end up creating an issue with every bit. And you know what's the best part? I don't even know why I do that.

I always thought I was an isolated case. That I was the only person who had a nasty habit of thinking and analyzing too much. It looks like a lot of people around me are slaves to this habit.

But then how do you really stop thinking about something that's troubling you into the wee hours of the night?

P.S. I watched Airlift today and it is a beautiful movie. Each and every scene of the movie is so well made. Also, this happens to be the first time I've watched Akshay Kumar's movie on the screen. I am a fan.

Friday, February 05, 2016

Look, Look, Gibberish.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Friday, February 05, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

Well, well, what a week!


I do not know when Monday came by and left, and I do not remember how it led to Friday. I have written so much over the past 5 days that today, I just want to stay still. I just want to watch really good movies till late in the night and go to sleep. Do you know that feeling when you're really drained out but still have that inkling feeling that you've had a great week? I've had a week like that, and I love my work. Although I must admit, I have ignored most of my friends this week.


On my way back home, I was consumed with various thoughts. My music player played the same song throughout the drive, and I was perfectly fine with that. I scanned my contacts list but did not have the urge to talk to anyone. I felt detached. I felt I needed silence.


When I was in college, I had a number of friends. Quite obviously, I had to part ways with a few of them after graduation. In due time, more friends parted, and a few moved to different countries. Soon, I stopped making efforts to maintain relationships even though I did not want to be left with only reasons. Eventually, that is exactly what happened. A friend from college used to constantly complain about the number of friends I had and kept making, and about how often I wanted to meet them. I vividly remember the number of times he would ask me, "Why do you need so many friends, Sunaina?" But it did not stop me from making more friends. I did it as easily as I left every time a friendship strained. Today, when I was reflecting on the relationships I've built over years, I know that I have only a handful of friends -- friends who have stood by my side, friends who fought for me, friends who never let me go when things strained or friends who let me be when I ignored them. While at so many levels, it sounds crazy, I think it comes full circle when I think that people who are meant to stay in your life will stay. Even if you are being a first class jerk. Even if they are being world class pricks towards you. Because these are the sort of friendships that come without any limitations. That's the beauty!


P.S. I know this post absolutely made no sense, but hey in my defense, I have written way too much this week and I am glad I was still able to type this gibberish.

Monday, February 01, 2016

Would You?

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Monday, February 01, 2016 0 comments Links to this post

What if you woke up one morning to realize everything you did so far is just a dream? What if you woke up one morning and realize that the 24 years of your life is just a bizarre dream? Not a good dream. Not a bad dream. Just a tough dream.

What if you woke up one morning and realize your life is the version of 'normal' you've always craved? There is a picture perfect family and that the things that are broken are not really broken for real. I mean, what if you woke up one morning and realize that you are not what you are and that your miseries aren't yours?

But would you want such a day to come your way and let you change your life in one go? Would you then deny your story, your struggle, and your essence?

Would you?
 

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