Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Scar.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Tuesday, June 20, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

I wanted you to leave behind a bit of yourself when you left,
so I wanted you to break my heart,
break it so bad that you'd leave an irrevocable scar on me,
and I know, there would be no going back from there,
maybe I would end up hating you,
maybe I wouldn't,
but I was willing to take that risk,
for that scar,
for that heartbreak,
for the memories,
that I could fondly recall on the
nights you'd be unavailable,
or on the evenings when you'd be too far
to see the setting sun with me,
I didn't know if what kept me awake kept you awake too,
if the sheer inability of caressing your hair made you go crazy too,
I wondered, and wondered, and kept wondering,
but there was nothing I could do
about this whole arrangement,
so why don't you just go ahead and break my heart?
and leave a bit of yourself with me,
for my heart was made to be broken by
someone like you.


Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Space Between Us.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, June 14, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

If the space between us is measured in terms of a room,
the walls of it are either too distant or too close,
while one side is shudderingly blank,
the other side is chaotic, messy, but an art of its own,
this space between us,
where we can go for days without squandering our words,
taking solace in silence,
is one thing,
there is also another way,
where the space between us is
claustrophobic for some,
too far or too near,
and never any in-betweens,
ever wondered why we could fall back into that pattern so easily?
I have,
and it doesn't trouble me,
because this space between us,
is where I thrive and use it as a canvas
to paint my heart out,
so if I could measure this weird but fond space between us in terms of a room,
will the walls of it clasp tightly like our fingers?
or will they be consumed in their own miseries?



Friday, June 09, 2017

Loving Yourself.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Friday, June 09, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

You wake up in the morning. You stand in front of the mirror looking at your reflection. Your smooth skin reminds you of the scars you've left on someone else's and the creases on your forehead nudge you about the things you shouldn't have done. How do you love yourself when all you see are your flaws?

I've always assumed that loving someone irrevocably and beyond any reason and logic is hard, but it isn't. Loving yourself is hard. Loving yourself enough to pick your own broken pieces and stitch them together is hard. Loving yourself is hard when you don't know where to begin with and which part of you needs more love than the others. Maybe you'll not be this damned if you knew, but who are you kidding, you were never the one to know. Loving yourself is hard especially when others find you perfect but all you discover are more and more of your mistakes which slowly engulf you, define you, and then drown you. Loving yourself is probably hard when your mouth reminds you of the ugly words you've uttered or the ones that you can never take back. Loving yourself is dauntingly hard, I know. But you have to wake up each morning and choose yourself above everyone and everything. Because it's like fighting a battle with a cause. It's hard but it's for your own good. Loving yourself is a lot like a girl whose smile refuses to reach her eyes and yet she tries. It's a lot like loving a certain boy in your own little screwed up manner. He makes you feel like an imbecile but in his presence, all the pieces of your jigsaw puzzle come to life. Loving yourself is so much like a longing that you yearn for years but never truly fulfill. But you should. Your thoughts, your flaws, the ugly and the beautiful parts of your mind and your body, your broken heart, your incomplete stories - you'll grow to love each and every inch of you. It'll be hard but it'll be worth it.

But as on today, you should start loving yourself. A little more than ever.


Thursday, June 01, 2017

Dream.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, June 01, 2017 2 comments Links to this post

Last night, I had a strange dream. You were there and so was I. We were both happily stuck in a strange place. It was dark but the room had a view, the lofty window at the center of the room was just a gateway to our imaginations and fantasies. You held me close to you - so close that I could hear your heartbeat over mine. My mind was delightfully oscillating between your heartbeat and the ticking of your wrist watch. This strange warmth that we were both engulfed in would do more harm than good. I could tell. But I was playing with fire and my heart as always.

From the window, we could see the stars. There was nothing spectacular about that night sky, but the regularity of it assuaged me into believing that everything was normal. And 'normal' is good.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" You break the silence.
"No, I don't want to."
"But you like to talk."
"Not now, though."
"Each time we're at a new place, you find something new to say. Something new to add."
"Yes, but I am getting a buzz out of this solitude, cold breeze, and the stars."
"Do you see the reflection of the Moon in the lake?"
"Yes, I do."
"Seems like the sky is frightfully close to us."
"So close yet so far."
"Of course."
"Of course."


Sunday, May 28, 2017

Growing Up.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, May 28, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

A week before my birthday, I used to hand out individual letters to my parents. On 4-lined papers torn from my notebook, I used to write a list of things I wanted for the birthday. Yes, I was totally that kid who loved her birthday. Throughout the week, I used to carefully go through the details of the party, the invitations, and the cake. I fussed about everything. In fact, somewhere between fussing over my birthday to hoping I wouldn't grow up in a jiffy, I grew into a young girl with an ambition of creating something truly exquisite with her life. And now, as I metamorphose into a woman who has reached a certain age in life where her decisions and thoughts will certainly be questioned, I wonder about so many things. So much is running in my mind right now that I'll need tons of perspective to sort everything out.

I was talking to my friend the other day about a little trip I took, and he commented that he's proud of me because I rarely step out of my comfort zone. Well, I guess he's right because it troubles me a great deal when new plans ambush me, or when things happen out of my control. But then, they happen all the time. I'm learning to deal with them. I'm learning to make spaces for my mistakes, desires, flaws, and changing ideologies. However, I must admit, I'm still not there yet.

When you turn 26, you are expected to behave in a certain fashion. I mean, I'm just 4 years away from 30 (the very thought scares me), and I'm supposed to be more responsible, sensible, and maybe even put together. But here am I, grappling with insecurities and darkness. At the core, I confess I'm still selfish and play to please my ego. You'll never find me questioning my choices or decisions. Unfortunately, even the wrong ones. I'm beginning to think if they'll start defining me. You see this whole point of growing up is starting to take a toss on me. And so are these incoherent thoughts!

Some days, I find it truly hard to get out of my bed. On days like that, I truly wish my mother would come knocking at my door with a cup of coffee. I often find myself unsure about myriad things and people in my life. Despite everything, I wake up in the morning thankful for their presence. And then there are nights when absolutely everything seems bleak. Even the brightest possibilities. And yet I find someone I can call and cry to. Someone who just sits still on the other end of the call, listening to my sobs and never uttering a single word. I am certain about quite a few things in life and they are probably these. Now, I even know that growing up is a lot like getting into a battle with your mind. Growing up is a lot like choosing between your heart's desires and mind's sensibilities. It's a lot like picking your fights wisely. Growing up is no fun, especially when you have to make these choices every waking moment in your life and woefully live with them. Nonetheless, we all do, since we have no way around cutting this growing up thing.

So this year, as I realize that my mother won't be cooking me my favourite fried rice and aloor dum, I am hoping I can give myself a list of things I should be doing. I am hoping I could fuss about them. Because somewhere inside me is still that little child who made sure everything on her list emerged into a reality.



Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Not So Small Talk.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, May 24, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

"Look to my right..."
"Where? I don't see anything."
"What? There are mountains. Look up."
"Nope, still cannot."
"What is the matter with you?"
"Matter with me? Why are we doing this video call in the first place when I can neither see you nor the mountains"
"Hey!"
"Hey."
"You cannot take the slightest joy in anything I do, is it?"
"That's not true. I'm listening."
"No, you're not."
"Okay, why don't I just close my eyes? Describe everything around you and I'll hear you out."
"Listen, I'm not good with words, okay?"
"But you're not bad either. Go on, give it a try."
"Alright. So.."
"Wait, let me get under the blanket and be cozy."
"Bah!"
"Okay, start."
"So I'm sitting on the porch with my feet on the grass. The grass is greener and softer here. And it's always damp, even when it is 2 PM."
"Hmm."
"The sun is shining bright and I feel the rays on my face. But it's not scorching, it's just warm and pleasant.

In the background, somewhere amidst the clouds are the mountains. I know you couldn't see them properly but they're snowcapped, and I wonder how they'd look in Winter."
"They'd look scary."
"Yeah, and maybe majestic too."
"See, how Winter works is.."
"Stop disturbing my flow. Let me do the talking."
"Ugh ok."
"So, last night when I was near the mountains, the sky was insanely clear, it almost felt like it was fearing the formidable mountains."
"That makes no sense."
"Just listen, alright."
"Okay sorry, please continue."
"The air here has a different aroma. It's fresh and chilling, but it also has this strange aroma that reminds me of something that we had years ago."
"Hmm. Tell me more about the night you spent on top."
"How do I put it into words? Umm...okay, the sky full of stars was a beautiful sight. Everything was dark and only the stars shone brightly. We ate our dinner under those stars, and although I couldn't see anything, it was amazing. And then there was the Moon. The Himalayas lit up in the moonlight as if they belonged together."
"Like how your face lights up when I am around."
"I guess so."
"You guess so?"
"I wish you were there with me."
"Why? What would you have done?"
"I would have cried with you."
"Well, I wish I was there too."


Small talk.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, May 24, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
The blue sea in front of me was changing its colour to green. My nose a little too red for Summer was still failing to inhale the scent of the warm beach and sand. I stretch my legs and try inhaling a bit harder this time, only to hurt my nose. I look to my right to see him stare at the endless beach, nonchalantly. Where does he get this calm from?

"Do you like Jane Austen?"
He doesn't answer right away. But when he does, I've already forgotten that I've asked something.
"I don't know much about her."
"Have you ever tried reading her?"
Another bout of silence.
"Not really."
"Would you like to read her then?"
This time, he answers right away.
"She was way ahead of her time. Don't you think?"
"Yeah, maybe."
"Maybe."


And so, I went back to cursing my aching nose, and he, to staring at the sea.
Tune for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MQ5lInYuag

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Infinity.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, May 21, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

Tonight I want to tell you the sweetest of things,
but you're away and I'm unsure,
so I let my words crumble,
and cause my heart to suffer for one last time,
or maybe more,
because I'm unsure of what lies ahead,
I remember the times when I was a child,
I was fascinated with waterfalls and countless stars,
both of them were colossal and held a mystery that I couldn't conjure to call my own,
but I tried counting the stars,
and cupped my little hands to hold all the water I could,
failing miserably to capture the infinity,
I wonder what I'd say if you were here tonight,
beside me, under the light of thousand stars,
but then, between us, are the ten thousand light years,
and I, for one, hate distances, spaces, and the enormity of everything an unfulfilled promise offered,
so here am I tonight, unsure but absolutely certain that you are an infinity that is good enough to fancy
but never to call mine.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Waking Up In Dharamshala.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Monday, May 15, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

This morning as I boarded a flight from Delhi to take me home after a short vacation, I tried hard to fall asleep after a sleepless road trip. But I couldn't as my mind kept gathering all the memories and experiences that I was carefully carrying back to Hyderabad.

Now, what's the big deal about traveling, you must wonder. Everyone is traveling, everyone is seeing places. But I haven't. This was the first time I traveled to a place without my family or one that doesn't have any family residing in. This was the first time I stepped out of the confines of my comfort zone, and the result was.....well, let's see.

To read more about my journey to Dharamshala, go here:

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

What If I Tell You?

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Tuesday, May 09, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

What if I tell you that our love is a little bit of the stars in the night and the setting sun in the evening?
A story that I am reading and a piece of work that you're struggling with passion right now?
What if I tell you that our love comes from the places our feet takes us to and the hills that know our secrets?
A few our fights in the parking lots or the tears we shed in the corners of hospitals?
What if I tell you that our love, although nothing like a fairytale, has something new to bring every morning?
And that the surprises are too much and too extreme but tolerably tormenting for the nights when we stay away from each other?
What if I tell you that our love is inspired by everyone we meet, everything we watch and touch, and every dream we dream?
What if I tell you that our love is like an ocean that’s both calm and furious, exciting yet profound?
And that there’s more to discover, stories to write, lives to live?
What if I tell you that sometimes between your silence and my words, our love too is swimming between the shores of sanity and calamity?
What if I tell you that at this moment, we don’t know what lies ahead of us but every possibility seems like something we’d remember forever?
What if I tell you?

Thursday, April 20, 2017

What If?

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, April 20, 2017 0 comments Links to this post


I've always wondered what is it that I wanted from you,
the questions were many,
the answers, none,
so what is it that I wanted from you?
did I desire the luxury of first taking your name every morning?
the roundness of your name, the simple joy of pronouncing it, syllable by syllable,
maybe I did want a little more than that,
for instance sitting across you with coffee and newspapers between us,
the mundanity of life that would have seemed better with our quirks,
actually, your quirks,
so what did I really want from you?
not certainty and never a peace of mind,
maybe I pined for the lavish comfort of just looking into your honey-coloured eyes at nightfall,
or count the stars without the worry of the daylight,
see, the problem is,
even after all these years, I'm still unsure and nonplussed about what I'm looking for,
in you,
the person who makes me want to abandon all my whims and caprices,
but then, stop, listen to the silence between us,
it's only growing and sometimes, growling,
are you feeling what I'm feeling?
or is this just a figment of my silly little imagination?
I don't know what tomorrow brings,
but what if it brings me?
maybe that's what, that's really what I want to know.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Language of Heart.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, April 16, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
What name do we have for the language of heart?
that no other can decipher but only ourselves,
do we call it love or do we call it a mystery?
do we name it as a certain pining or do we name it with something that words cannot describe alone?

What name do we have for the language of heart?
the one that's truly beautiful,
but embarrassing enough to keep it underneath the show that we grandly put on,
do we name it as a vulnerability or do we call it our safe space?

What name do we have for the language of heart?
the one that's written with our own fingers but has the power to write and rewrite our fates and stories,
do we call it poetry or do we name it as a piece of destruction that we willfully take?

What name do we have for the language of the heart, I often wonder.

 

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